Parental Guidelines for Your Preteen

A parent’s Guide to Healthy, Happy Kids Setting Boundaries for Your Preteen

Watching your child grow and mature is one of the most rewarding aspects of life as a parent. When the preteen years hit, however, he or she may try to establish a greater sense of independence - but how much is too much?

Children do not always mature at the same rates as their peers, so just because your preteen’s friends may be left unsupervised doesn’t mean your child is ready for that level of autonomy. At this point, your relationship with your preteen is vital and will help you determine what level of independence is right for your son or daughter.

“Freedom should be given to adolescents in doses,” said Jeffrey Dolgan, PhD, Senior Psychologist at Children's Hospital Colorado. “Based on a child’s social and interpersonal skills as well as his or her responsibility level, adults can allot the appropriate level of freedom for their preteen. If the child misbehaves, certain freedoms can be revoked until he or she displays more positive behavior.”

A Two-Way Street

Communicating with your child takes more effort than simply stating your expectations. For these discussions to be most beneficial, you must listen to your child and try to see things from his or her point of view. Although children may not always see things the same way parents do, simply dismissing their feelings can cause them to become defiant.

“Preteens live in the now — ‘no’ means ‘never,’” Dr. Dolgan said. “This mentality sets the stage for a power struggle between teens and parents. Parents must try to understand their children and figure out the best way to communicate with them, remembering it is not always about setting ground rules for your children, but working together to improve their behavior.”

Understanding Triggers

While some preteen behaviors can be frustrating, it is important to keep in mind that anger rarely improves any situation. When dealing with your children, outbursts can be particularly divisive and cause your son or daughter to close off completely.

“Parents must always remember their children have a large capacity to argue and resist,” Dr. Dolgan said. “Parents sometimes let their frustration override the situation, which can lead to anger and outbursts. Critical thinking and a cool head are the best ways to deal with an unruly preteen and will ultimately lead to the best solution.”

For more tips on how to speak with your preteen, visit the parent wellness and safety section and read our article Connecting With Your Preteen.

Before You Hand Over the Keys

Learning to drive is a rite of passage, and as your teen takes his or her first turn behind the wheel, it's vital for you to take an active role in your teen's driving lessons.

“One of the most important things parents can do is be a good role model to their children,” said Theresa Rapstine, BSN, RN, Administrative Director of the Kiwanis Pediatric Trauma Institute at the Children's Health Advocacy Institute at Children's Hospital Colorado. "Children will follow what their parents do, so parents need to set the tone by obeying traffic laws, not texting or talking on the phone while driving, and always wearing a seatbelt."

Read additional information about parenting and safe teen driving.