Talking About Racism with Your Children: Starting the Conversation

Natasha has always been an educator. Prior to working as an audiology assistant with the Audiology, Speech Pathology and Learning Services program at Children’s Colorado, she was an elementary school teacher with Denver Public Schools. She says one of the most important things you can do for your child from a young age — even before you start actively talking about race and difference — is to make sure your child is reading books that portray people of all colors.

“I used a multicultural approach for my classroom and for my own daughters,” she says. “Even though it was important for me to provide my daughters with books that had Black characters of color that looked like them, I made sure those weren’t the only books they had access to.”

You should also make sure the movies and shows that your child is consuming are racially diverse and represent positive portrayals of characters of color. Common Sense Media — a nonprofit organization that offers a media rating system to help parents — is a good place to start, especially this list of books with characters of color.

There isn’t a “right” age to begin directly discussing these topics with your child, but generally, it’s best for all families to start young. If you are a family of color, many families like yours talk about racism and personal safety early and regularly with their children. This includes helping their children understand that there are people in their community, including some police officers, who will unfairly target them and what to do when that happens.

It’s important for white families to know about and take steps to understand that experience, and white parents should talk with Black families and families of color to learn more. Asking questions can help build all parents’ understanding of these situations, allowing them to more effectively talk about it with their kids.

Race and difference often come up naturally for families in a variety of ways and parents can address those situations with their kids in age-appropriate language as they occur. For instance, younger children will often ask pointed questions about skin color, says Dr. Glover.

“It’s really important for parents to be open to everything and not say, ‘Shhh, don’t say that,’” she says. “Kids need to know that it’s OK to talk about race and difference. If they’re not able to do that, they can become biased in the way they talk and act.”

Dive deeper into talking about race and privilege with kids.

The books, movies and TV shows that your child is consuming should be racially diverse and represent positive portrayals of characters of color. Common Sense Media is a nonprofit organization that offers a helpful media rating system for parents. Consider this list of books, movies and other media to help spark important conversations. There you’ll find media celebrating Black history, great stories by and about Latinos, books with Native American characters, movies with Asian American leads and much more.

With 24-hour news coverage that often describes or displays violent events, you should consider limiting your young child’s access to the news. Even when your child is playing in the background while you are watching the news, they can pick up on what’s happening.

Be intentional about what you let your child watch. Then, proactively engage them and ask:

• What are you seeing?
• How are you feeling about what you’re seeing?
• What questions do you have?

You’ll likely get a variety of questions in return, or even biased comments, as your child works to make sense of the news coverage. It’s important to remember that bias is a natural response to our world, based on the information and experiences we have throughout our lives. Sometimes bias helps us make decisions to keep us safe, and sometimes bias causes us to judge people, places and situations as negative, even when we don’t have all of the necessary information. As we move throughout our communities, we must challenge our biases regularly and help others to do the same.

When it comes to talking about current, upsetting and tragic events, honesty matters. Even younger kids know everything isn’t fine, so you shouldn’t tell them that it is. Instead, acknowledge that your child is scared and anxious and list some of the things you’re doing to help keep them safe. You might also consider giving your child a simplified picture of what’s happening and why. When an officer-involved shooting happens and there are protests, for instance, you might say something like:

People are really angry that a person got hurt. There were people there who were supposed to help this person, but they didn’t, and they let something bad happen to them. Now, there are a lot of people who want us to know that it’s not OK for something like that to happen.

Help your child begin to empathize by asking questions like:

• How would you feel if someone you love got hurt?
• How do you think those people who are out in the street are feeling?

Depending on your child’s ability to comprehend events like this, you can modify your language to directly address death. If the event is centered around race, talk about that too. You can give your child a simple, age-appropriate example using crayons:

How would you feel if all of your crayons were the same color? Would you be able to draw colorful pictures? Or would your pictures be really boring because you could only use one color? Having different colors is really good because it makes things creative and not the same. It shows us that all of our differences are what make the world a beautiful place.

By this age, many kids have technology in their pockets. It’s more difficult to limit their media consumption, which means they’re likely viewing disturbing images and getting information from a variety of sources. It can help for you to have daily check-ins with your child and ask them:

• What did you see online today?
• Was anything surprising or upsetting?
• What do you know about what’s going on?
• What are your friends saying?

By checking in often, you give your child a safe space to talk about what they’re seeing and hearing, and how their opinions might be different than a family member, friend or neighbor.

“Middle school is often when children start to learn more about history including slavery and the civil rights movement,” says Dr. Freeman. “But that may not be enough. Children may need additional help connecting what they’re learning with what’s happening right now and why it’s happening.”

She suggests that parents supplement what their children are learning in school with books and documentaries such as 13^th, which provides a powerful exploration of the history of racial inequality in the United States.

Talk with your tween about why and how they should speak up if discrimination happens to them or they see discrimination taking place. Dr. Glover recommends connecting it to personal examples and asking your child things like:

• Have you been treated differently because of your skin color or something else that was different?
• Have you ever seen someone who was treated differently because of their skin color or something else that was different?
• If that were to happen again, what are some ways you can speak up?

You can help your child develop a plan of action that they are comfortable with, including vocally acknowledging that whatever is happening is unkind or wrong. Be sure to practice. Dr. Glover recommends addressing a biased comment by saying something like:

What you said is hurtful. That is an unkind thing to say, and I disagree.

Even younger teens have a much higher level of understanding about current events. In fact, most teens have probably developed their own opinions and have found a way to express them, likely through social media. Even so, says Dr. Freeman, parents should continue to have in-depth conversations with their teen about what they’re reading and seeing and how it might be making them feel.

When Children’s Colorado Manager of Library Services Catisha Benjamin’s 16-year-old son leaves the house, she frequently reminds him of the following: You’re Black, so your appearance matters; if you’re in a car, don’t be in a group of only Black males; try not to look suspicious, because you could get pulled over; absolutely no do-rags on your head outside of the house.

“He gets irritated, but I always remind him it’s for his safety,” she says. “When I tell him that, he gets it. I say, ‘Is it right or fair? No. But that has nothing to do with it.’”

You may also want your checklist to include what your child should do if they’re pulled over. It might look something like the following:

• Keep everything you need in a pouch in your driver’s side door so it’s easy to reach.
• Call home; put the phone on speaker and put it on the seat next to you.
• Don’t take your hands off the steering wheel.
• Don’t get out of the car.
• If you feel unsafe, you can call 911 and request a supervisor to come to the scene.

Many families feel this is crucial, lifesaving information. Learn more by watching the video “Black Parents Explain How to Deal with the Police.”

A note for children of color with autism spectrum disorder

For kids with autism, interacting with the police can be hard. Kids who identify as Black or Brown may have additional concerns. Our Developmental Pediatrics experts collaborated with parents, police departments and others to develop resources for talking to kids with autism about safety and the police.

All families should consider talking about the hardships that Black people and people of color often face socially, in schools and in the workplace. This includes feeling obligated to “code switch,” which is a conscious decision to change your appearance to match what is typically (and problematically) considered “standard,” because it may help you fit in and be accepted. This can include adjusting clothing, hair styles, makeup, jewelry, the language you use and your tone. According to Harvard Business Review, many Black employees in particular consider code switching crucial for success and advancement, and it often comes at great psychological cost. 

Black families and families of color

Teaching and talking about code switching is incredibly difficult and can spark feelings of anger and frustration. Many parents feel it’s necessary to help their child learn why word choice and tone are important in certain situations, and that how they talk at home with family and friends may not always be welcomed in public, at school or at work.

How you choose to talk about code switching with your teen can depend on many factors including where you live and your family’s values. It may be helpful to discuss what’s currently being done to help mitigate some parts of code switching. This includes The Crown Act, which is now law in Colorado. It prohibits race-based hair discrimination, meaning no one can deny you employment and educational opportunities because of your hair texture or protective hairstyles including braids, locs, twists or bantu knots.

As you talk with your teen, it may help to ask them questions like:

• Do you code switch? If so, how does it make you feel?
• Outside of whether you feel it’s right or wrong, do you think there are benefits to code switching? What are they?
• If you choose not to code switch, what do you think some of the consequences would be?
• Are there safe ways for you to speak out or push back on code switching?

White families

White families should openly talk about the harmful impacts that code switching has on Black people and people of color. Read articles about code switching with your teen, and help them connect that this is why it’s important for them to have a diverse social circle and regularly interact with people of all races and backgrounds. Here are a few ways you and your teen can start:

• Reflect. You likely have biases about what is considered standard or appropriate. Acknowledging this is important.
• Discuss. Ask your teen, “Do you think any of your friends or family members have to code switch? How do you think that makes them feel? What are some of the ways we can center and amplify the voices of Black people and people of color to help bring about change?”
• Do the work. Expand your social circle and become comfortable with speech and styles that are different from your own. For example, find an organization in your community that serves people of color. Donate money and volunteer your time.
• Ask and listen. More and more people of color are speaking out against discriminatory social norms and would be happy to talk with you. It’s OK to ask, but make sure you’ve also done some reading and research on your own first. Be upfront about why you’re asking and make it clear that you want to help.
• Speak up. When you see someone being discriminated against or you notice a practice in your workplace that is discriminatory, say something and be an advocate for change.

Many teens have learned that some of the information they come across online might be “disinformation,” or information that isn’t entirely truthful, designed to make the reader angrier. Although your teen likely already knows this, you should remind them why it’s important to fact check what they’re reading to make sure they’re consuming and sharing accurate information.

Common Sense Media has tips for helping kids spot click-bait and disinformation.

Teens may also want to get involved in protests or other demonstrations by themselves or with others. You should talk about how you can create space for your teen to have that experience while also ensuring their safety. This could include going to the protest as a family. It could also include finding a protest to join that’s closer to home — many smaller communities and neighborhoods organize their own events, some just for families.

Designate an appropriate time and place to initiate these discussions, such as keeping conversations amongst close family members and friends with whom your child feels comfortable. Likewise, encourage your child to think about who their “safe people” are and who they can trust to be respectful and genuine when they have questions. Sometimes it’s easier to have these conversations while you’re in the car or on a walk.

Children are naturally curious, and parents shouldn’t shy away from potentially uncomfortable topics or questions. Avoiding difficult discussions about race can cause your child to perpetuate stereotypes and make it feel like important societal issues shouldn’t be openly talked about. It is crucial to talk openly and regularly about these issues.

Start by listening so you can understand your child’s perspective and where they are coming from. Ask clarifying questions to understand their concerns, and try not to assume what they know or feel. When adults base their responses on what their child shares, kids feel they are being heard and are more likely to relate and understand. This two-way dialogue also gives parents the opportunity to relate the topic to family values, and to teach caring and kindness with real-world examples.

This is a time when everyone — including adults — can take time to examine and challenge their own beliefs and actions as they relate to racism and bias. Think about your own assumptions and try to observe your own behavior.

During tough times, it’s important to acknowledge our own stress, anxiety and discomfort. In order to take the best care of kids, adults need to care for themselves, too. Take time to rest and recharge. Check in with friends and other parents to learn how they are feeling and coping.

Look for opportunities to engage in safe and respectful dialogue with people who are different from you. Seek diversity of thought within groups and do your best to listen and remain open-minded. There are many groups providing forums for respectful conversation; look for safe spaces at local churches, universities, schools and other institutions that engage in civil discourse.