How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Separation and divorce are difficult for many reasons, and each child processes these major life changes differently. However, even though separations and divorces are common, many parents and caregivers struggle to find the right language to discuss this transformative event with children and teens.

Fortunately, parents can help ease the potential challenges of a family separation by having direct, yet reassuring conversations with their children about what’s going to happen. Children’s Hospital Colorado child and adolescent psychologist James Wellborn, PhD, offers expert tips for how to talk to kids about divorce — and make sure they feel safe and supported during this difficult time.

How does divorce affect children?

Before talking to your kids about a divorce, it’s important to understand how this change could affect them, what kinds of questions they might have and how to best prepare them for the uncertainty ahead.

“Divorce disrupts the emotional family unit that exists — the sense of the people, the parents and the kids as a family,” Dr. Wellborn says. “All of a sudden people are feeling bad, people are stressed, people are anxious, and each of the members of the family are having their own experience. It starts to disentangle this previously woven-together emotional unit.”

These uncertainties can be further worsened by other changes that divorce brings, whether that’s moving away from friends, going to a different school or feeling the money stress of a one-parent household.

When you first tell your kids about a divorce, they are confronted with the fact that their life is going to change forever. As a result, news of a family separation can cause kids to question reality, and their world may seem less safe. “Kids are struck with this sudden revelation that things can't be as reliable as they thought,” Dr. Wellborn says. “And that raises questions about all kinds of other stuff. ‘What can I depend on? What is reliable? What can I expect? How are things going to turn out?’”

Additionally, children may interpret divorce as meaning their parents no longer love one another, which can introduce doubt about a child's ability to be loved and cared for. “Suddenly kids think, ‘Wait a minute, if love can disappear between two parents and if it can end, then my parents could actually stop loving me,’” Dr. Wellborn says.

Social and emotional effects of a parental separation

Although every child experiences separation and divorce differently, parents and caregivers should keep a close watch on their child during and after conversations about divorce. “You can anticipate that if you are going to go through a separation, your kids are going to have emotional reactions to that,” Dr. Wellborn says.

Primarily, keep an eye out for mental health concerns, such as changes in behavior, which can look different depending on the child’s age, personality and other circumstances. “The younger they are, the more it's likely to be a kind of behavioral or emotional expression, because the language is in their behavior rather than their direct communication,” Dr. Wellborn says. "Notice if your kid is becoming angrier and more volatile and acting out, or if they are becoming more withdrawn and sadder, and not energetic.”

Older kids and teens might try to find the language to explain their feelings. “Pay attention to what your child is talking about, asking about and concerned about, especially if your kid is talking to you about things that make it clear they're struggling with the idea of the family breaking apart,” Dr. Wellborn says.

When it comes to school, parents and caregivers might notice changes in performance, which can result from feeling stressed and worried. Sleep disturbances are also common during this type of life change, which can have an impact on schoolwork, so watch for signs that your child might be having nightmares or insomnia.

News of a divorce can also bring up feelings of abandonment in both kids and teens. “They're likely to be more clingy and upset about anybody leaving. They will be checking on you, asking where you are and what's going on,” Dr. Wellborn says. “That can be during the day, but at night they can also end up wanting to come and sleep in the bed when they haven't been doing that.”

In other words, if a child seems to be struggling with the changes long after you’ve discussed them, it may be time to seek help from a child and adolescent psychologist who can support them during the transition.

How to tell kids about a divorce

Knowing how to talk to your children about divorce can help them feel loved and reassured despite the turbulence of change. To start, Dr. Wellborn recommends working with your child’s other parent or caregiver to frame the separation in a straightforward way that respects both of you.

"You don't want to say, ‘We're going to get divorced,’ and then start launching into all of the reasons why,” Dr. Wellborn explains. Instead, he suggests getting on the same page with the other parent and agreeing on your approach. This way, you can present the information clearly without arguing about what information you’re sharing. If possible, it can be helpful to have both parents present, which can reassure children that both are still invested in the family despite the change.

Begin your discussion by presenting the basic facts without much detail. Kids don’t need to know exactly what happened between the parents, and you don’t want to overwhelm them with too much information.

Next, you want to be prepared for any questions or concerns your child might have. Certain kids will ask many questions, while other kids will hang back and listen, so it’s important for both parents to be prepared. If you don’t know the answer or haven’t sorted out that part of the separation, you can say something like, “That’s a great question, but I need some time to answer that. Let me answer you in a few days after I think about it some more.” Then, make sure to follow up with your child to provide them with the information they need.

Explaining the difference between separation and divorce

Divorce is a complicated legal process, and parents may choose to separate before getting a divorce. But how do you explain this to kids? It’s best to focus on how the situation will affect them, rather than getting into the details, which may confuse and upset them more.

For instance, if a separation involves one parent moving away from the household, you might explain that the child will visit that parent on weekends. On the other hand, if it’s a divorce that will entail the child moving to a new school district with a parent, that needs to be explained as well. You’ll also want to make sure kids know that they’ll be able to spend time with the parent who they won’t be living with full-time, despite that parent leaving the household.

Providing reassurance and love

After presenting all the key information, reassure kids about what’s going to stay the same. Will they go to the same school? Will they live in the same house? Will their siblings still be around? What will happen to their pets? It’s important that kids understand the logistics of what’s going to happen to them during this time. Additionally, kids of all ages need to hear that their parents still love them the same amount despite this big change. Make sure they understand that the separation isn’t their fault, and that an evolving family life will not change the amount they are loved.

“As parents provide this reassurance, kids start to find their feet again and see, ‘Oh, this is how it's going to be,’” Dr. Wellborn says. “As time passes, they've got a new, predictable way of things, they start to get a restructured routine in their head, and there's less confusion, fear or unfamiliarity.”

Reassuring kids isn’t just important for helping them through the divorce; it’s also important for helping them foster resilience for all the inevitable challenges that await them. "That kind of predictable stability about the relationship, the family and what they count on is going to be a protective circle around them,” Dr. Wellborn says. “This contributes a significant amount to how they end up being resilient  to the things that happen in everyday life.”