Parenting Through Puberty

Puberty is universal — every parent has been through it and every child will experience it. Still, it can be a confusing time full of changes, both physical and emotional. And popular media doesn’t help families embrace the experience of growing up. Instead, it often shows contentious parent-child relationships, awkward interactions and uncomfortable physical changes.

But according to Children’s Hospital Colorado experts, puberty is one of the most exciting times in both a child’s and a caregiver’s life. Though it may come with challenges, adolescent medicine specialist Amy Sass, MD, says it can be quite a beautiful thing.

“It's this explosion of all these amazing things that are happening physically, emotionally and psychologically,” Dr. Sass says. “The learning curve of how each young person is experiencing their environment and their world is just like a rocket taking off. And so, what we're really trying to do is support, encourage and love them, while also trying to reduce risk and protect their safety.”

Because at the end of the day, she says, “We're just fancy mammals and our bodies are wired to do puberty.”

Physical changes during puberty

The physical changes that come along with puberty are well documented, and parents tend to be familiar with what to expect. However, there is a broad age range for the onset of puberty.

In general, Dr. Sass says, puberty starts in elementary school, with some kids beginning to experience changes around 8 or 9 years of age. Others may not notice changes until age 12 or 13. Puberty is a gradual process that occurs over four to five years. 

“I think this is one of the things that kind of shocks parents at times,” she says, “because when we think about puberty, we think of adolescents who have obvious outward signs of sexual maturation, and we think of those hallmark events like the first period, for example. But pubertal changes were already happening for a few years before that main event.”

No matter when kids start the process, Dr. Sass wants them to know that everyone’s journey is unique to them. It’s normal during adolescence to see kids who are the same age or in the same grade at different stages of puberty. Some haven’t started and some are well on their way.

While the age at which puberty begins may vary, the actual physical changes kids undergo are not. First, kids see development of secondary sexual characteristics, such as testicular enlargement or breast development, as well as pubic hair development, under arm hair, body odor, oily skin and more. Kids also grow faster during puberty and during the middle of puberty, experiencing a “growth spurt” that will be the fastest growth they’ll go through.

Psychological and emotional changes during puberty

During early adolescence, kids aren’t just beginning to experience the first physical stages of puberty, but also psychological ones. Dr. Sass says that at this age, kids are still concrete thinkers, but social and peer relationships tend to take on new importance. They may be starting to think about their own bodies and wondering if the changes are normal. Crushes are also typical during the early stages of puberty.

As kids reach the middle stage of puberty, often around ages 14-17, they start to search for more independence, which may cause conflict with caregivers. Parents can also look out for an increase in risky behaviors, as kids haven’t developed the ability to fully consider consequences yet. While this may sound tricky, it’s also the time when they start to understand their internal selves better.

“This is that time when we see a peak level of peer conformity or conformity with what others say is normal, regardless of what the young person feels,” Dr. Sass adds. “But they're also beginning to make some choices on more abstract values.”

As youth enter the later phases of puberty, their capacity for abstract thought, such as considering their role in society or developing personal values and empathy grows even further, as does their sense of responsibility for their own health and well-being.

“They have a more clearly defined body image and gender identity,” Dr. Sass says. “Perhaps they've even accepted some of their parents' values and place less emphasis on peer conformity. … It’s a wonderful thing.”

How to talk to children about puberty

As kids navigate these changes, Dr. Sass says they’ll often need trusted caregivers to walk alongside them. Her rule of thumb for parenting teenagers is to listen more and talk less, even though it may be tempting to do the exact opposite.

“It’s so difficult to not insert yourself and try to control this very natural process that really cannot be controlled,” she says.

And while she does recommend talking to primary care providers for advice, turning to other parents and caregivers, and taking advantage of the many books written on the subject, Dr. Sass says it’s important that kids get a turn in the metaphorical driver’s seat.

“They may have different needs that a parent might not be able to anticipate, and it's important that we let the young person set their pace,” she explains. “Enjoy the ride and have that growth mindset and celebrate these changes that are happening. Try to be a trusted and safe resource for your young person.”

To do this, Dr. Sass notes that it takes a lot of humility and curiosity on the part of caregivers, who often feel the pain and loss of their kid’s childhood and may feel pushed away by their teen.

Take that opportunity to say, ‘Tell me about that. Teach me about that. When I was a teenager, we didn't have stuff like that. I'm so curious how this works.’ And actually let your young person be the expert in some of these areas,” she suggests. “This approach can be rewarding for both the teen and parent. Just as we encourage teens to avoid comparing themselves to others, it can be helpful for parents to avoid comparing themselves to other parents. Try your best and seek support and advice from trusted resources when you feel like you need it. But most of all, try to enjoy the adventure of parenting through puberty. It’s such a special time of life.”