Mass shootings. Climate change. Natural disasters. Civil unrest. Piled onto disruption from the pandemic and, for some, private stressors such as illness or financial strain in the family, it’s a lot to take in.
Multiple traumatic events are increasingly part of life. And for better or worse, it’s up to parents to field kids’ questions — and deal with their feelings — about them. In fact, according to Children’s Hospital Colorado child psychiatrist Marissa Nunes-Moreno, PhD, that’s the most important part.
“A lot of parents have this desire to protect kids or shield them from traumatic events by brushing them under the rug or not addressing them head-on,” she says. “But kids hear things, and they’re going to have thoughts and feelings about what they hear. They need space to talk about that.”
One of the best ways to start that conversation, says Dr. Nunes-Moreno, is just to ask what they’ve heard.
“What are people saying at school? What are your friends talking about? Test the waters and see what they know or think already,” Dr. Nunes-Moreno says. “That way you don’t have to worry about what you’re telling them or not telling them. You can just start from where they are.”
Validating kids’ feelings after a traumatic event
However kids are coping with upsetting current events they’ve heard about or experienced, they’re going to have some feelings about them. Aside from giving kids space to talk about their feelings, parents can make space for kids to feel them — and to feel OK about those feelings.
Just as adults sometimes try to shield or protect kids from traumatic events by not talking about them, adults sometimes try to soothe kids by telling them not to feel the way they feel.
“Maybe they’re thinking it’s scary,” says Dr. Nunes-Moreno. “Sometimes parents will say, ‘Don’t be scared.’ Or if they’re crying, parents might say, ‘Shh, don’t cry.’ It’s a well-intentioned way of consoling, but it can be confusing for kids, because it sends the message that their feelings are wrong.
“Instead,” she suggests, “parents can just validate their feelings: ‘Sure, that makes sense. I think it’s scary too.’ Or, ‘If it makes you feel like crying, that’s OK. You can cry.’ Just normalizing their feelings and being a listener.”
Another part of being a listener is not to do too much talking. Let kids lead the conversation. If they have questions, answer them as simply as possible — without giving too much detail. And if you don’t have an answer, it’s OK just to say so.
Of course, how those conversations unfold will largely depend on the age of the child, among other factors. Dr. Nunes-Moreno offers some tips.
Handling conversations about traumatic events, by age
Of all age groups, teens and preteens will have the most information already, whether they’re getting it from news reports, other adults or, often, their friends. Some of that information is likely to be inaccurate or wrong, so correcting misinformation is important. At the same time, try not to upset them by giving them more information than they might need or want.
Unlike younger kids, teens have the capacity to think abstractly, and they may have tough, unanswerable questions: Why are all these bad things happening in the world? It’s OK not to have the answers, but knowing that, it’s also OK to explore those questions together.
And with both teens and younger kids, Dr. Nunes-Moreno says, it’s a good idea to try to redirect the focus from the negative to the positive.
“Look for the helpers,” she says. “That’s a good idea for kids of all ages. Pointing out the wonderful people, the rescue workers or firefighters or just regular people who were on hand to risk their own lives and save others.”
Teens especially may be open to opportunities to get involved themselves and lend a hand, whether through volunteering their time or even donating money — all of which can help them develop empathy.
“Kids this age might ask a question that for adults is uncomfortable,” says Dr. Nunes-Moreno. “They really just need a small answer, without much detail. And they might just say, ‘OK,’ and go back to playing. They might have more questions, or they might have more later. It’s really about meeting them where they are. Not forcing them to talk if they’re not ready, but leaving the door open and letting them transition to something else if they want to.”
Kids this age will also hear things from other adults and from their friends, so correcting misinformation is important.
When kids do have questions or information you might need to correct, try to avoid the tendency to overexplain. “Why did that person do that?” “Well, that’s a tough question. We may not have an answer.” In the same way, it’s OK to let kids know that you’re upset, too — but try to avoid emotional excesses like screaming or punching a wall, which can add to the trauma.
Traumatic events happening in the world may make kids this age feel unsafe. Parents can ease those feelings by naming the things they and kids family members, schools and others are doing to keep kids safe. It may even help to come up with a “what if” plan. What if something happened and I couldn’t come get you? Knowing what might happen in an emergency can help ease kids’ fears of the unknown.
“Parents have a tough job,” Dr. Nunes-Moreno says. “They have to take care of themselves and their kiddos at the same time, even when they’re feeling scared or overwhelmed themselves. So for very young kids, really the only way to help them cope is by managing our own emotions.”
Toddlers and infants may not understand the words parents are saying, but they pick up on tone. Dr. Nunes-Moreno describes it as “safety on, safety off.” They’re either feeling secure or they’re not, and the best way to make them feel secure and loved is to hold them and comfort them using calm, soft tones. And remember: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s all right to step away and collect your thoughts in another room.
For older babies and toddlers, parents can also model ways to cope with stress, or even enlist a toddler to take some deep breaths together. Introduce things that soothe the senses: smelling something nice, feeling a cozy blanket or taking a walk in the sun and wind.
Stress is tough, and parents aren’t going to be perfect. Infants and toddlers can see when parents are stressed, and they’ll feel it too. But parents can counter it by making space for de-stressing techniques, as well as giving positive attention and doing pleasurable things like coloring or playing together.
“Point out things they’re doing well so the attention is coming from something other than moments of distress,” says Dr. Nunes-Moreno. “’Wow, I like how you colored that!’ A good rule of thumb is 10 good interactions for every icky one.”
Dealing with burnout and compassion fatigue
“I think everyone can get a little exhausted when they’re exposed to too much,” says Dr. Nunes-Moreno. “If you’re feeling like losses or disasters are getting closer and closer, there can be a sense of getting desensitized.”
Although clinically the term “compassion fatigue” tends to refer to people in helping professions, such as first responders, teachers and therapists, the stress of traumatic events piled on top of each other can impact anyone. And it’s especially true for people tasked with caring for others — like parents.
And since parents are often in charge of conducting conversations and answering kids’ questions about traumatic events, it’s important for parents to be in a good headspace for those conversations and to take a break when needed. Get enough sleep, eat a good meal. Make time to move around and socialize with people you love.
“We can make time for laughter and joy even when there are things going on that are horrible,” says Dr. Nunes-Moreno. “It’s a balance.”
When to seek help for coping with traumatic events
After traumatic events, especially multiple ones, it can be difficult to tell what’s normal and what’s not, especially in terms of how kids are coping. Kids show distress and signs of trauma in a number of ways, including emotional changes, such as feeling nervous, irritable, angry or sad. They may have mood swings or act out. They might have difficulty concentrating, sleeping or completing tasks, or they might withdraw from social situations. Younger kids might be clingy.
The good news is that all of these behaviors are normal, expected responses to trauma — for a time.
If they go on for more than about three months, though, says Dr. Nunes-Moreno, or if the behaviors are severe enough that they’re getting in the way of day-to-day life, it may be a sign of some difficulty coping or moving past the trauma. Families should consider seeking support from a mental health professional who works with children or families.
For families looking for more information on coping with a traumatic event — or more than one — the family and caregiver resources of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network offers tips and facts for dozens of topics related to traumatic events for children and families. Dr. Nunes-Moreno specifically recommends a few articles below:
Coping with collective traumas
This article offers families basic strategies for coping with the many witnessed and experienced traumas of the last couple of years, such as the pandemic, racism and discrimination, failures of the system and others, all in addition to balancing work and parenting demands.
Download Assisting Parents/Caregivers in Coping with Collective Traumas.
Traumatic stress in children with intellectual and developmental disabilities
Children with developmental differences experience trauma, too. In fact, they experience it at higher rates than children without disabilities. This article offers resources and information on increasing wellbeing for kids with intellectual and developmental disabilities who have been affected by trauma.
Download the fact sheet Children with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities Can Experience Traumatic Stress (.pdf).
Mass violence
Violent events where several people are injured or killed affect everyone in the community, including kids. This article outlines potential reactions to mass violence and strategies for coping with them — and knowing when to seek help.
Download Coping with Mass Violence (.pdf).
Shootings
For parents, part of dealing with mass violence will be talking about it with kids. This article offers more tips for starting and managing the conversation with kids, as well as reactions kids might have to the violence and how to approach them as a family.
Download Talking to Children About the Shooting (.pdf).
Natural disasters
In the aftermath of a disaster, kids affected may have their routines disrupted and their sense of security undermined. These post-disaster trauma resources outline some common reactions kids have to having a home damaged or destroyed, and how parents can help them during the process of recovery.