Parenting isn’t easy, but at the end of the day, parents and caregivers want their children to be emotionally and mentally strong. While some parents may be more firm and others may be more passive, each style can affect your child’s development and behavior.

If the question, “what kind of parent am I?” has ever crossed your mind, it may help to learn about the types of parenting styles and how they can influence your children.

The 4 types of parenting styles

It's important to remember that parenting styles aren’t black and white. From day to day and moment to moment, you may change your parenting style based on the situation. This could mean being more rigid about safety concerns, such as touching a hot stove, or being more passive around extending bedtime.

Although there are other subtypes of parenting styles that are commonly used such as “helicopter parent”, our expert Lauren Eckhart, PsyD, Clinical Director for the Colorado Springs Division of the  Pediatric Mental Health Institute at Children’s Hospital Colorado, uses the following four styles to help caregivers understand approaches to parenting.

Authoritarian parenting

An authoritarian parent has strict rules that don’t take the child’s emotional or behavioral needs into consideration. Often, authoritarian parents use “tough love” and say, “because I said so,” to provide guidance and discipline.

For example, a child might ask their parent to stay out later than usual to see a movie with friends. The authoritarian parent would immediately say no without an explanation or considering the importance of the request to the child. If the child tries to negotiate or ask for flexibility, that may result in punishment, such as taking away the car keys or grounding.

While this type of parenting can be restricting and lead to tension in families, there may be a time and place where authoritarian parenting is necessary. This can include urgent safety situations, such as crossing the street or with children who have specific needs requiring a more demanding approach.

Children with this type of parent may follow directions and rules more easily but struggle with self-control and associate obedience or success with love.

Authoritative parenting

An authoritative parent communicates in a way that sets expectations, while providing flexibility and understanding. This type of parent also allows for natural consequences to occur but uses them as teaching moments for learning and growth.

For example, a child may ask to take their stuffed animal outside to play. The authoritative parent knows there is fresh mulch on the ground and explains that if the child takes their toy out, they won’t have time to wash it before bedtime. With that direction, the child decides on another stuffed animal to take outside, so their favorite toy is clean and ready for bedtime.

This type of parenting can often create self-discipline and help children learn to think for themselves. Children with this type of parent often exhibit high self-esteem and develop healthy social skills but may struggle with anxiety or perfectionism.

Permissive parenting

A permissive parent, sometimes referred to as a “free-range parent,” doesn’t often set rules, expectations or guidance and may go to great lengths to ensure their child’s happiness. This type of parent is very warm, loving and avoids conflict or ignores certain behaviors and situations to keep the peace.

For example, a child might have fewer restrictions on screen time. Although the permissive caregiver may want their child to sit at the dinner table without it, the permissive parent would allow the child to continue playing without discipline.

Children who grow up with caregivers who use this type of parenting style may not be able to take responsibility for their behaviors and might look for external validation, rather than making their own decisions. These children may have outstanding social skills and self-esteem but teenagers with permissive parents are more likely to engage in alcohol use and school misconduct.

Uninvolved parenting

An uninvolved parent offers little guidance or nurturing and is indifferent to their child’s interests and behaviors. There are hardly any rules implemented, and they may have limited engagement in their child’s lives.

For example, a parent may work long hours and spend their time off sleeping or engaged in their favorite television show or activity. Their child is struggling in school, and when asked to help with homework, they expect the child to figure it out on their own.

Although children of uninvolved parents may become hyper-independent in adulthood, they may lack the ability to regulate their feelings and have difficulty in social and school settings.

How can I change my parenting style?

Adjusting parenting styles may be difficult, but it can be done. Dr. Eckhart explains that parents first need to be aware of their preferred style and then have the willingness to change. Awareness requires that parents recognize how their parenting style may be affecting their child and have a willingness to set a conscious goal for the future.

“That may look like picking one situation that regularly occurs a day ahead, and deciding how to change it,” Dr. Eckhart says.

Dr. Eckhart says to consider giving your child a choice when you would normally say no. For example, getting your child to put on shoes in the morning may always be a battle. You’d prefer for your child to wear closed-toe shoes to school, but they want to wear their favorite sandals. An authoritarian parent would make them put on their sneakers, without considering their child’s feelings or giving them a choice.

To avoid the shoe battle, an authoritative parent would explain why the child needs to wear closed-toed shoes and give them a choice between two sneakers. By consciously setting the goal to make the choice fun by matching it to their outfit or pairing with funny socks, you may avoid the dreaded morning meltdown.

Changing or fluctuating in your parenting style can often look like choosing your battles — understanding what’s truly important to your child, to you and how you can meet in the middle to complete your goal.

How do different parenting styles affect behavior?

Each parenting style can impact a child’s behavior or temperament in different ways. Dr. Eckhart uses the common example of a child throwing a tantrum during a grocery shopping trip because they aren’t getting the cereal they want:

• An uninvolved parent would walk away without addressing the meltdown and may not be in the store with their child to begin with. This shows that the caregiver would rather do the task alone than spend time with their child.
• A permissive parent gives in to the tantrum and even allows the child to get a toy, along with the cereal, to prevent embarrassment. This shows the child that they can behave badly and get rewarded.
• An authoritative parent may choose to walk away from the screaming child (if it’s safe to do so) and tell them they are welcome to join when they have calmed down. This demonstrates that the behavior is unacceptable, and they need to have emotional control to join back in on the fun.
• An authoritarian parent will immediately give consequences, such as taking the child out of the store or taking something out of the cart that the child previously got. This teaches the child that their behavior has immediate consequences, whether warranted or not.  

Regardless of your parenting style, a child’s behavior is informed by the caregiver’s reaction. If your child learns that bad behavior is rewarded, the tantrums will likely continue. But if your child is taught that expressing their disappointment in an appropriate manner may change the outcome, behavior may change right along with it. All behavior, good or bad, can be a teaching moment to develop emotional intelligence and self-esteem.

How do I avoid “messing up” my child?

Every parent faces doubt, fear and uncertainty when raising kids, especially around causing trauma or “messing up” their child. But the reality is, there’s no way to avoid worry or mistakes.

“I worry every day that I am messing up my kids,” Dr. Eckhart says. “I have a doctoral level degree, and I specialize in child and adolescent psychology, and I am still afraid.”

Dr. Eckhart notes there are four main things that are important when raising children: unconditional love, positive support, acceptance and validation. That means that caregivers should avoid connecting behavior or performance to love, accept and support children as they are and validate their feelings. Incorporating all of these things into your parenting encourages healthy self-esteem and fosters a sense of self-worth.

“You are going to mess up, and you are going to make mistakes in the same way that our kids are going to make mistakes,” Dr. Eckhart says. “But if your love is unconditional and you’re validating feelings, you’re setting your kid up for the best success.”