We’ve all heard someone describe themselves as a “perfectionist,” but what does that really mean?

Attention to detail can be useful for children and teens in certain situations, such as following safety guidelines or learning the rules of the road when driving. But perfectionism in children can quickly turn from striving for high achievement to experiencing low self-esteem, burnout, anxiety and depression.

How do you know if your child's perfectionism has gone from healthy ambition to unhealthy obsession? Our experts share their tips on helping high-achieving kids, how neurodivergent conditions and perfectionism intersect, when to seek help and more.

What is perfectionism?

If your child is ambitious, works hard and strives for success, that isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s common for kids who belong to many extracurricular activities such as sports and clubs to also earn high grades in school and maintain an active social life. There are sometimes even dedicated classrooms or programs for “gifted and talented” students to ensure they get the attention they need to thrive. But there comes a point with some high achievers that tips the scale to perfectionism.

 “When it starts to get in the way of doing the things they want to do or causing distress, changes in mood or behavior, that’s when perfectionism becomes a problem,” says Lauren Eckhart, PsyD, Clinical Director for the Colorado Springs Division of the Pediatric Mental Health Institute at Children’s Hospital Colorado.

Perfectionism is a personality trait that is characterized by the need for order, control and flawlessness in one or all areas of life.

What does perfectionism in kids look like? Maybe a child who received an A is dissatisfied because it was not an A-plus so they spend considerably more time studying than before. Or it could be that a child won't celebrate a sports win because they didn't catch the ball every time. Unlike a high achiever whose mood or studying habits don’t drastically change despite disappointment, the perfectionist child struggles deeply with every imperfect outcome.

Signs of perfectionism in kids

From childhood to adolescence, there are many changes happening in the body and the brain that can look like perfectionism. However, there are some specific signs that parents should be on the lookout for, such as:

• Expressing they are not good enough
• Experiencing decision paralysis or thinking of all the things that can be done wrong and doing nothing instead
• Anxiety induced by an activity or schoolwork
• Significant changes in mood or behavior
• Avoiding things they usually like, such as spending time with friends or quitting a sports team when they aren’t the best player
• Creating excuses to avoid an activity
• Expressing stress or pressure that isn’t manageable for their age group or seems out of proportion to what their peers are experiencing
• Changes in eating habits or development of eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia nervosa

Perfectionism and neurodivergence

Perfectionism can go hand in hand with neurodivergent conditions such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and sometimes autism spectrum disorder (ASD). However, perfectionism may look a little different from the signs of neurodivergence.

“Some kids with neurodiversity have a rigidity to do the same thing, the same way, over and over again,” Dr. Eckhart says. “But perfectionism is the need to be right about it.”

For example, Dr. Eckhart paints the picture of a volleyball player who missed her serve during a game. Later that night, the player expresses the anxiety she felt after missing the serve and disappointment about letting her team down and practices the same motion repeatedly until she gets it right. While this could be seen as OCD, it could also be a sign of perfectionism if this becomes a nightly ritual and infiltrates into more parts of her sport or takes away from other activities she once enjoyed. If gone unnoticed, that anxiety she felt may lead to the belief that she isn’t good enough, causing stress around the activity which may even prevent her from playing. In severe cases, a child who struggles with perfectionism may also develop depression.

Further, ADHD and perfectionism can coexist in a similar pattern. A child diagnosed with ADHD who experiences perfectionism would also have a strong desire to perfect that volleyball serve, but because of the difficulties around organizing tasks and focusing, this may lead to procrastination. That could look like not practicing the serve and not improving or meeting their incredibly high expectations. This can also lead to the types of negative beliefs about themselves and self-doubt that can lead to depression.

Whether due to a neurodivergent disorder diagnosis or the need to be “perfect,” this leads many parents and caregivers to wonder what they can do to help.

Tips to overcome perfectionism

Children can often get caught in the cycle of perfectionism. This can hold them back from fully enjoying activities, having realistic goals and appreciating the process of learning and growing. As parents, how can we help them break the cycle?

Encourage open communication

The number one way to combat perfectionism or any health concern is to talk about it. Creating a culture of open communication in the home is key for your kids to talk about how they feel, and you can gain a better sense of the problem at hand.

If you notice your child is more focused than usual on achieving success, ask them about it. You can say something like, "I've noticed you haven't been happy about your A, and I got the feeling you were stressed about not getting an A-plus. What is happening that is keeping you from enjoying your success?" or "I'd like to understand why it's important that you achieve an A-plus."

This can open the door to problem solving why high achievement is so important and mitigate the feelings of anxiety and depression that may follow.

Model healthy behavior

When we think of modeling behavior, we often think of toddlers and how modeling bad behavior can lead to tantrums. However, parents can also be aware of how they model behavior to older children when it comes to school, sports or other activities.

Even parents fail and make mistakes, but having reasonable expectations for your child (and yourself!) shows your kid that it’s OK not to be perfect. More importantly, expressing those situations to your children can be a learning opportunity of vulnerability, resilience and how to keep a growth mindset. This can be shown by:

• Modeling accountability: Openly acknowledging mistakes can teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for their actions and encourages honesty.
• Sharing lessons: You can explain what happened and what you learned from an experience to show failure is an opportunity to grow.
• Normalizing mistakes: By discussing mistakes, you can reduce fear of failure and show that making errors is a normal part of life and learning.
• Encouraging problem solving: When a mistake is made, you can help your child brainstorm a solution or talk through how that experience could have been handled differently to improve emotional control and critical thinking skills. But it’s important to accept that sometimes problems can’t be solved and that’s OK, too!

Define realistic goals

It’s a fact that every kid isn’t going to be good at everything.

“Getting a college scholarship for every kid isn’t realistic. Straight A’s for every kid isn’t realistic. Statistically, it isn’t even possible,” Dr. Eckhart says.

Dr. Eckhart advises parents to have different expectations for each child based on their strengths and abilities. Work together to define realistic goals that meet parents' expectations and allow a child to do their best. That may force parents to ask themselves: “is this important to me, or important to my child?”

You may have competed in multiple sports in high school while graduating with honors and expect that of your teen. But maybe your teen isn’t an athlete and instead enjoys drama club. It’s realistic to expect that they do their best in drama club while receiving good grades. Think about the high expectations you or your parents had for you as a child, and how that impacted you over the course of your life. This may help break the cycles of perfectionism and set realistic goals that prevent mental health struggles later in life.

Offer effective praise and criticism

Providing healthy praise and criticism can be hard for parents, but you can start by:

• Providing positive praise from an exceptionally young age
• Avoiding the link between performance to personality (your child is still kind or funny, even if they don’t do well on a test or win a game)
• Defining what makes your kid special despite failure
• Delivering a compliment sandwich by addressing one thing they did well, giving constructive feedback on something to change and ending with another positive. For example, say, “You did awesome cleaning your room! Next time, could you please put the vacuum away when you’re done? I really like the way you organized your desk this time!”
• Finding the coaching aspect in criticism by asking to support with questions such as, “Can we work on that together next time?”
• Adding an extra sentence to the praise to encourage the behavior. This can look something like, “Great job on your math test. You really put in the extra effort to show your work!”
• Even during failure or a mistake, celebrating effort and persistence

Social media and perfectionism

With the prevalence of social media, many adolescents are striving to match the perfection that’s on their screens, even when that isn’t reality.

“We used to go home and get away from people and comparison, but now it’s always in your pocket,” Dr. Eckhart says.

Dr. Eckhart advises parents to connect with their children on what they’re seeing on their feeds and monitor their social media content.

“There’s so much pressure to create a perfect life that young adults can reach a point where they believe it’s better to not try at all than to be less than what they are exposed to,” Dr. Eckhart says.

When to seek help for a child's perfectionism

At the end of the day, you know your child best. If you're noticing any changes with your child or if you're worried about them, talk to their doctor or health care provider. In some cases, children can be genetically predisposed to perfectionism, meaning certain conditions such as anxiety or depression may run in your family. It's especially important to pay attention to the signs to get help. It never hurts to have a professional evaluate your child, as early intervention can help navigate perfectionism and avoid additional issues in the future.