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Everyone gets stressed. It’s a part of life, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Physiologically speaking, stress prepares our bodies for challenging situations. The heart rate increases. Hormone levels elevate. It triggers our bodies to give their best, especially in times of uncertainty and change.
We often think of stress as something to avoid, but stress can be positive or negative. It can feel like excitement or like anxiety. It can serve to heighten our awareness during a challenging new situation, or it can stop us in our tracks. When kids and families run into problems involving stress, it’s often because they haven’t identified effective ways to identify it and move through it.
“The way you help kids handle stress is going to depend largely on their age and what they’re going through,” says Children’s Hospital Colorado child life specialist Rebecca Majerczyk, CCLS. As a child life specialist, Majerczyk uses creative methods like play and recreation to help helps kids and families better understand and cope with the stress that a hospital visit often creates. She says that some of the tactics that she uses at the hospital can be easy for families to recreate at home.
Even infants can stress less
Parenting an infant is tough. They can’t talk or even make gestures about what they want, so you’re often just guessing what to do based on the sound of their crying. Crying can of course be a sign of stress, so how do you help an infant stress less?
“The biggest thing is for an infant to be able to trust their caregiver and the environment they’re in,” says Majerczyk. “You want to give them the comfort you know they like and try to normalize the environment as much as possible.
For parents, that might look like the following.
- Shushing: One of the best ways comfort a baby is by playing soothing white noise that mimics what they were hearing when they were in mom’s tummy. For a baby, that isn’t the sound of ocean waves. It’s literally a “shushing” or “whooshing” sound. You can find free versions of this sound online, like the 10 hours of womb sounds by sleep-o-pant on YouTube or Baby Sleep White Noise by Relaxing White Noise.
- Swaddling: Wrapping your baby for a short period of time helps them feel snug like they did before they were born and can help soothe them. You can read all about swaddling and how to do it correctly on the American Academy of Pediatrics' website.
- Side or stomach position: Your baby should always sleep on their back because it’s the safest position. However, the back isn’t as good for soothing a fussy baby. Try holding your baby on their side or stomach for a short period of time to see if that helps calm them.
- Swing: Moms move a lot when their baby is in their belly — they sit, stand, bend over, walk, go up the stairs, exercise and perform other daily activities. Experts say that’s exactly what you need to imitate to help soothe your baby. You should make fast, tiny motions that are no more than an inch back and forth while holding your baby on their side. Read more from our experts about how to calm a crying baby.
- Suck: A lot of babies will calm easier when they suck on a pacifier. Always keep one handy.
“If I walk into an ICU or inpatient room, often there will be a TV blaring, the blinds are closed and the bright lights are on,” says Majerczyk. “And while that might be something we’re used as adults, it’s uncomfortable for a baby.”
Instead, she suggests making the following adjustments:
- Turn off the TV.
- Turn off the lights.
- Open the blinds or curtains to let in natural light.
- Turn on soft music on your phone at a more appropriate volume.
While a baby’s crib might seem like the easiest place to poke and prod them because they’re sitting in a confined space, Majerczyk advises against it. “In the hospital setting, we’ve learned that babies get fussy when you’re doing things to them in their crib,” she says. “That should be their safe space.”
Instead, she recommends taking your baby out of their crib when you need to do something they might find uncomfortable. This helps you establish boundaries and build trust with your baby.
Stress management tricks for toddlers and kids
At this age, children may not be able to fully tell you how they feel. They have some words, but not enough to help you understand exactly what they need or want to know. That’s often frustrating for them because they have a lot of feelings, and it can be frustrating for you because you don’t know how to help. Majerczyk says to think like a kid.
“Kids at this age love to play,” Majerczyk says. “That’s how they’re going to talk to you and communicate about what they’re feeling and experiencing.”
For instance, at the hospital, if a child is going to get a scan, she says she’ll bring in a doll or an action figure and act out that play with them. She’ll go through what the scan is like using language she thinks they’ll get.
“When a child doesn’t fully understand something, they’re going to fill in what they don’t understand with their imagination. Sometimes they’ll come up with some pretty scary things, and you as the adult will learn about those fears through playing with the toys. Then, using that same play, you can help them better understand what’s happening or going to happen and help calm their fears.”
For toddlers, play is likely going to be more self-directed, essentially whatever is on their mind at that moment. You can set up the toys, but toddlers will likely guide the play and you’ll want to watch, listen and see where it goes. For older kids, you may be able to give them a setup or prompts along with the toys to help guide them toward what you want to know.
People of all ages enjoy comfort items, but especially kids. Majerczyk recommends keeping a comfort item within reach no matter where you are. This could be a blanket, stuffed animal or another item — something to help soothe your child if they need it.
Many kids benefit from a routine. When something happens that causes a shift in that routine, such as a holiday, vacation or a trip to the hospital, kids tend to get stressed. Majerczyk recommends following your routine as best you can, even when you’re out of town. “This helps kids, especially younger kids, with feelings of trust and safety as they start gaining autonomy,” she says.
Research shows a few minutes of practicing mindful breathing can be an effective tool for coping with stress and anxiety. As adults, if someone tells us to take a deep breath, we know exactly what that means and how to do it. Young kids, on the other hand, don’t. Majerczyk says that’s because kids at this age are often very literal, meaning they need props to help them learn.
“This could be blowing on a pinwheel or blowing bubbles,” she says. “Even a stress ball or something to fidget with that helps them understand the action of breathing in for several seconds and out for several seconds. There may be a lot of trial and error on what sort of tools work for different kids.”
It’s also important for parents to remember that kids are sponges. Even if they’re playing in the other room and you think they aren’t listening, they are. “Try your best to model good stress management and good self-care,” Majerczyk says. “It goes a long way in helping your kids develop the skills to positively handle their emotions.”
Tips to help teens stress less
Due to upsetting current events, teenagers today have many valid reasons to be stressed and anxious. And unlike younger kids, most preteens and teens don’t want to talk to their parents about it. They fear you won’t understand or that you’ll judge them or be disappointed in how they feel or what they’re going through. That’s normal. Majerczyk says parents should do what they can and find other ways to help their child cope.
If teens feel comfortable enough to tell you about their life, it’s important to validate their emotions. “If a kid feels shamed for crying because something upset them, they might not see that as an appropriate coping skill anymore,” says Majerczyk. “But the truth is, crying is an important and necessary coping skill.”
What you say and do goes a long way, especially during the pandemic.
“Simply saying, ‘I know what you’re going through is hard, and I’m here for you’ can really help your child feel supported,” she says. “Let them know you have their back on this journey to get to a better mental place. But be honest. Acknowledge that it won’t be easy, and it might be a roller coaster. Even if things get better, it doesn’t mean you can’t have setbacks.”
Friend groups and peer support groups are crucial. If your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you, it’s important to make sure they have peers they can talk with. Our Pediatric Mental Health Institute has a variety of outpatient groups to help support kids of all ages. It’s likely that there are also other support groups for kids and teens in your area, and you can start by searching online for ‘teen support groups near me.’ Participating in these groups can help your teen feel less lonely. Your teen may also prefer talking to other teens they don’t know or who don’t go to school with them. This can help them feel less judged and may help calm their fear of being gossiped about at school.
Some kids need distraction to feel comfortable enough to talk about what they’re feeling. “Doing something normal and making them feel normal can help them process their emotions,” Majerczyk says. “So ask them what they like to do and then do it.”
- Play a card game or board game.
- Shoot around a basketball.
- Give them journal.
- Take a walk.
The biggest thing Majerczyk says all parents should remember? Have patience.
“It’s huge,” she says. “And it’s easy to lose at times, and it’s going to happen. We’re all human, but the more patience you can show and hold space to focus on helping your kids develop good skills to deal with stress, the better they’ll be at it as they get older.”
Tips for parents and caregivers
Watch the video below to learn even more about how children and parents alike can manage their stress.
