Preparing kids for conversations about their bodies, sex, sexual health and relationships can start early. In fact, according to adolescent medicine specialist Amy Sass, MD, teaching kids the correct words for their body parts, as well as giving clear descriptions of what they do is a great place to start. Doing so builds transparency and trust around topics that become more difficult as kids age.

And though the sex talk is a dreaded conversation and the source of jokes in most coming-of-age films, Dr. Sass says it’s more about keeping the door to conversation open throughout puberty, not just during one critical moment.

“It's actually really more about talking with them about how they are feeling about their bodies, how they're feeling in their own skin, providing education around the physical changes and how you manage a period or something like that,” Dr. Sass explains. “But then also talking about what that young person may be experiencing in their community. What kinds of things are you hearing your friends talk about? Are there any things that you would like to talk about?”

Below are some conversation topics and approaches to communication that can help you walk alongside your young person as they begin exploring their sexuality and relationships:

• Establish an atmosphere of safety and acceptance in which attitudes and values can be explored, tested and challenged.
• What can they do to be sexually healthy with a partner that they care about? What ways can they address peer or partner pressure to be sexual when they don’t feel they are ready? These topics need to be part of any discussion of healthy sexuality.
• Let your child know they deserve to feel honored in their relationships, to have their own space, to keep their friends, to include their family, and to feel good about who they are.
• Be clear that safety is nonnegotiable. Set a standard for protecting themselves from disease and unwanted pregnancy regardless of whether you agree with their decision-making about sex.

Navigating healthy teen relationships

At any age, healthy relationships have balance. Teens should still engage in other activities and spend time with friends and family, instead of hyper-focusing on their relationship.

Try talking to your teen about their relationship before a major concern comes up. If you have regular conversations about how the relationship is going, you can discuss issues as they arise rather than waiting until you see a change in your child. If you do have to wait until you notice an issue, empathize with them and try to help them problem-solve without judgement. Remind them that their happiness and well-being comes first.

Helping your teen after a breakup

Breakups aren’t easy, no matter a person’s age. Help your teen face their feelings over a breakup so they can overcome the separation. Some questions to ask yourself are, "How does my kid handle emotions? Can they problem-solve? Can they seek out help if they need it?" Then do what you can to offer those tools. You could also allow them to take a mental health day, go to a movie, hang out at home or cook dinner. Focus on spending quality time together and make yourself available to listen. If you help your kids build healthy interests and relationships, they will have other areas of enjoyment when a romantic relationship ends.

Modeling healthy relationships

Your kid might not always listen to what you say, but they will probably see what you do. One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is model healthy relationships. Showcasing open and warm communication, honesty, balance and other characteristics you value in your own relationships will go further than simply telling your child those things are important. And when your kids have questions about your relationships, be ready to answer honestly.

Teens, internet safety and pornography

Dr. Sass notes that kids today have access to an unlimited online community. This comes with both positives and negatives. On one hand, it allows kids to more easily explore hobbies and interests and build relationships with likeminded friends to help combat feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, it can put kids in uncomfortable, stressful or even dangerous situations.

“I think parents need to have a sense of what their kids are pursuing in their social media, what they're really interested in,” she says. “Think about what their interfaces are, what their experiences are, what information they're taking in, how they're understanding that information and how that may be impacting their sense of self.” 

Parents might also anticipate kids running into pornography unexpectedly on the internet or being exposed to unsettling images or videos. She says it can be beneficial to have a “safe to tell” policy in place that allows kids to feel comfortable talking to their parents or caregivers about what they see, hear or watch online without fear of repercussions.

“We’re always telling kids what not to do because we're thinking of that horrible risk that can happen, but the focus should be on how to make healthy choices,” Dr. Sass adds. “Focus on navigating their worlds and experimenting with things in a positive way too, instead of just focusing on the negative.”

Addressing teen concerns about sex and sexuality

As kids start entering into romantic relationships, they may begin considering when and if they should have sex. Trusted adults can help them navigate this topic in a way that helps teens make healthy choices for themselves.

Many parents are primarily concerned about the risks of sex, such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, or STIs. These conversations are undoubtedly important, but conversations around sex should also focus on understanding and addressing the motivations your teen might have for wanting to have sex.

"So much of what we can do as parents is basically motivational interviewing," says Dr. Sass. "Understanding where the young person is, what their true desires are and how to help them make healthy decisions."

For example, if a teen is feeling pressure to have sex, the conversation might involve anticipating what might happen if they did or didn't — and being attentive to signs of intimate partner violence, lack of consent or other concerns. Dr. Sass often employs role-play scenarios to help teens figure out how to respond to pressure in the moment.

Additionally, sexuality can look different for each teen, and this is a critical time for them to begin understanding who they are and what they want out of relationships and sex.

Most teens explore their gender and sexuality, and they're curious about the gender and sexuality expressions of their peers. Teens whose gender identity is different from their sex at birth face greater risks: bullying, marginalization, depression and substance use. And family ideals and political views often factor into how a kid or teen thinks about gender and sexuality.

"I try to develop an understanding of what the teen is thinking and experiencing, gauge where the parent is at in terms of their awareness and acceptance of the teen and understand the family dynamic so that I can offer education and resources that might help," says Dr. Sass. "There are some great community organizations who can work with parents and teens on these issues."

During this period of life, your teen will likely have a long list of questions on their minds — some they bring to their caregiver or parent and some they don’t. As the adult in their life, it’s important to be a safe, trusted resource who is ready to listen when they need you. By maintaining open lines of communication, caregivers can ensure kids have the resources they need to remain safe and to engage with all the feelings they may encounter.